Big Bad Wolf





Elder Bruce C Hafen wrote an article entitled “Covenant Marriage”.  In his article, he spoke of three “wolves” that test a marriage, Natural Adversity, our own imperfections, and excessive individualism.  I find the last wolf really interesting because I feel like individuality is a really fine balance.  On one end you have those who believe marriage is a ball and chain and once they tie the knot they’re individual identity gets sucked into the glob of marriage.  On the other, you have those who have little concept of self-identity and wish to jump headlong into marriage hoping their “better half” will give them identity.  Neither scenario is good and it’s hard to find the right balance. When I was younger and much more insecure, I fell into the latter group.  I craved relationships because I didn’t feel like enough on my own and I needed someone else to give me worth.  That is just a bad co-dependent relationship ready to happen.  Instead of complementing one another and becoming a stronger pair, each just becomes a leach feeding off the other in attempts to find security.  It’s not a pretty picture.  Some people believe that they won’t really have an identity until they are married. They hold off on opportunities for personal growth or seeking experiences to find out who they are.  They just kind of sit around waiting for marriage before their life can begin.

I realized that because of my insecurities and unhealthy need for attachment, I invited abusive and controlling people into my life. My lack of self-esteem led me right to my ex-husband Dexter who was very abusive and just as insecure as I was.  I found a sad truth, when you see yourself as trash, you will find someone who will treat you like trash. Through the experience of my marriage I realized how my lack of self-esteem played a role in the situation I had gotten myself into and how, if I didn't change, I would continue to find myself in these kinds of situations.  Thanks to this trial I was able to see a problem and change it.

Once I got some life experience and some self-esteem, I started leaning towards the other side of individualism. My bad experience with relationships has soured the idea of marriage a little bit for me and I’ve found myself letting in the third wolf.  I’ve become so independent that I’ve felt like I don’t need a husband, I’ll be much happier on my own. I like my life as a single person, I like to do what I want and have my own schedule, I like not having to worry about anyone else and have much more control on my everyday life.  But the problem is, if I don’t kick that wolf out, I will either pass up on the opportunity to get married or when I do get married, the wolf of excessive individuality will make selflessness and unity in my marriage a challenge.

Marriage is about sacrifice, to avoid excessive individuality we have to be willing to give our time, attention, and affection in healthy ways to those in our family.  Granted in a way my life could be much easier if I never married, but I don’t think it would be happier.  Happiness comes from sacrifice and growth.

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