The Random Musings of a Marriage and Family Major Student

Studying and learning more about marriage and dating is just confirming that I pretty much did all the don't's. You can hear about what not to do, but actually experiencing it and then having that to look back on and compare to, is rather effective as a learning experience and sure as heck motivates me to do something different. Knowing so blatantly what I've done wrong about it makes what the right thing to do stand out more. So I already talked about some do’s and don’t with dating, but we’ve now transitioned into engagement and marriage. I think I mentioned it before but the common dating trend is to slide into everything without taking the appropriate steps and defining the relationship. Same things go with engagement. I’ve always noticed that LDS proposals and the process of engagement are different from what you see as the “typical “ proposal. It appears that half the time it’s a big surprise for the girl. Whereas for us(and with the ridiculous dating trends we...

Once again Gottman in his book gives us another insightful nugget when he talks about being able to be united with your spouse, "Why do some couples cope so gracefully with these sorts of issues while others get bogged down? The difference is that the happy couple understands that helping each other realize their dreams is one of the goals of marriage.  In happy marriages partners incorporate each other's goals into their concept of what their marriage is about. These goals can be as concrete as wanting to live in a certain kind of house or to get a certain academic degree. But they can also be intangible, such as wanting to feel safe or wanting to view life as a grand adventure. " I loved this idea!  Reading this now is making me really question what my dreams are, which ones are doable or healthy, and who do I need to marry to achieve them? I can’t marry the right person if I don’t even know what my dreams are!   I want someone who has similar goals in life and a w...

Something I found really interesting was a line I read in a book titled “Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families”.   “Marriage, to be successful, requires married daughters to share more with their husbands than with their mothers.”  I could totally find myself falling into that one!  My mom is my greatest confidant and I take her thoughts and suggestions very seriously. I always go to her for advice and I trust it much more than a 20-year-old something man.  In the early stages especially I would rely a lot on my mom’s counsel because I know that me and my new husband are young and ignorant. But I also see that relying too heavily on your parents in the early parts of marriage can be harmful because it interrupts the growth of your married identity with your spouse.  This kind of problem is called triangulation,  “ Triangulation is created when communication either builds a stronger relationship with the parent than with the spouse, or excludes ...

I’ve had a long history of wearing the pants in my relationships because I’ve dated men who were complacent in taking a part in the relationship and I was far too focused on what I wanted and what I thought was best.  I used to get mad at the people I dated and wondered why they never took the initiative, left all decisions up to me, and seemed to not really have any opinions on anything. But I had to realize that I was partly to blame.  I am a very scheduled and busy person and so I had my plans and an idea of what I wanted to do and I would just drag them along in it. Also, I did have a habit of ending up with more laid back guys that didn’t mind leaving all the decision making up to me, but I also didn’t help much.  I wanted so bad to date someone who was just as scheduled and motivated as me and we could take the reins together, but I realized that I had to become more aware of the people around me as I plowed through my planned day, and let go of control a little ...

So I’ve been reading this book “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” and pretty much the entire thing, in essence, is about conflict and how to resolve it.  It’s either because this is a self-help book, those who are reading it have troubles in their marriage so conflict is the theme to help those people in their rocky marriage, or marriage is made up of conflict.  I suppose the truth could be a bit of both but I’m thinking it’s really because marriage has a butt-ton of conflict. Now I suppose that sounds like I depressing view of marriage, but is it really? What is the purpose of this life? “To be tested”, drones every Sunday school student.  We all know that answer but do we really take it to heart? If the most rewarding things are the biggest challenges because we are on this earth to be tested, then I’d say marriage is up there on one of the biggest rewarding/challenging things we’ve got on the docket in this life. Conflict is inevitable and I think will be e...

Pride. We all know what this word means and we all know people who we would use this word to describe. There are those people who we think are the pride posterchild with their haughtiness, arrogance, selfishness, and a high score on the jerk-ometer. We have a certain vision of pride and we almost make it seem like you’re either a prideful person or you’re not. Those who have pride are stuck up jerks that just look down their nose at you. But pride has many different facets and manifests differently in people, and we all have it one way or another. That’s why Ezra Benson, a former president of the Chruch of Jesus Christ of Later-days Saints, called it the “Universal sin”. I’m going to be drawing on quotes from an address he gave to the church in 1989. “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves. Most of us consider pride to be a sin of those on the top, such as the rich and the learned, looking down at the rest of us. There is, however, ...

John Gottman, in his book "The Seven Principles of Making a Marriage Work" spends an entire chapter talking about letting your partner influence you.  This is very much tied to sharing power as equal partners in a marriage. This I think can be a source of contention and a battle for every marriage, but some worse than others.  Gottman talks a lot about being willing to share power in making decisions from buying a car to who should wash the dishes that night.  According to his research, one of the sexes has a little harder time with that than the other. “We have found that, even in the first few months of marriage, men who allow their wives to influence them have happier marriages and are less likely to divorce than men who resist their wives' influence. Statistically speaking, when a man is not willing to share power with his partner, there is an 81 percent chance that his marriage will self-destruct.” He points out that he’s not trying to single men out as the probl...

Part of me hates the topic of same-sex marriage because it always steps on so many toes, and there are always many angrily spoken opinions.  You can give a never-ending list of facts arguing both sides and the other will never be convinced.  I don’t pretend to know the solution.  All I know is that God loves all of his children.  I feel like Nephi 11:17 “I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things.” I know that God has said that marriage is between a man and a woman, a partnership that is meant to bring children into the world as our bodies are designed. I know that “The family is ordained of God. Marriage between man and woman is essential to His eternal plan.”(The family: a proclamation to the world) In his address to students of BYU, our past Prophet and president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints Thomas S. Monson said, “Social and political pressures to change marriage laws are resulting in pr...

Elder Bruce C Hafen wrote an article entitled “Covenant Marriage”.  In his article, he spoke of three “wolves” that test a marriage, Natural Adversity, our own imperfections, and excessive individualism.  I find the last wolf really interesting because I feel like individuality is a really fine balance.  On one end you have those who believe marriage is a ball and chain and once they tie the knot they’re individual identity gets sucked into the glob of marriage.  On the other, you have those who have little concept of self-identity and wish to jump headlong into marriage hoping their “better half” will give them identity.  Neither scenario is good and it’s hard to find the right balance. When I was younger and much more insecure, I fell into the latter group.  I craved relationships because I didn’t feel like enough on my own and I needed someone else to give me worth.  That is just a bad co-dependent relationship ready to happen.  Instead of comp...

I’m impressed with what Goddard talked about in his book" Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage". He talked a lot about the true purpose of marriage and how it’s a trial and a sacrifice, “Since marriage is God's finishing school, we should expect more afflictions or challenges in marriage than in any other arena of life.” Ok well that sounds a little depressing, but to me, I find it encouraging. We are bombarded by dramatic portrayals of romance in media that has given us an over-romanticized expectation of love and marriage. People go to BYU-I do, and while they are there for an education, with their Mutual account in hand, they also have dreams of meeting the one, having a beautiful Pinterest board wedding, and living happily in domestic bliss. Now not most young adults are quite like this, but we have more expectations like this than we realize, and when real marriage life hits, they are blindsided by the difficulty of it and don't know how to cope. Marriag...

I can’t decide what I want to talk about today so I’ll talk about a smattering of things.  This blog is titled random musings so I should keep with the theme. So I’m in this class that’s just entitled, Marriage, so you can guess what it’s about.  I read tons of talks, books, watch video clips, and so on about marriage. I’m learning lots of great things about marriage and I’ve been attempting to reiterate those messages through these blog posts.  But as a single person, I can’t help but take everything I’m learning and applying it to a single person's situation. It’s great to know a bunch of tips and tricks about what to do when you’re married, but you kinda have to marry someone first, and it doesn’t make sense to think you can neatly pack up what you learn about marriage in a class and only use it once the knot is tied.  Every Marriage Lesson for a single person is a lesson on dating. For some reason, I feel like lots of people view dating and marriage as sep...

Fathers and the roles they play are so important! Usually, when we think of father roles we think of the direct good and bad effects a father has on his son. And there are so many connections that a father and son have.  But I wanted to focus a little more on the effect fathers have specifically on their daughters ​Fathers help their daughters to be more self-reliant and assertive.  They can help to push their daughters in healthy ways to succeed. Studies have shown that girls who had a good relationship with their fathers were more likely to graduate from college.  Many female athletes also attribute their success to their father's encouragement to work hard and pursue their goals Also if a girl has a healthy close relationship with her father she is more likely to have much more healthy and fulfilling relationships with men that she dates. She is also less likely to turn to other men for emotional support in dysfunctional needy ways. One study also said that girls ar...

Fathers and the roles they play are so important! Usually, when we think of father roles we think of the direct good and bad effects a father has on his son. And there are so many connections that a father and son have.  But I wanted to focus a little more on the effect fathers have specifically on their daughters ​Fathers help their daughters to be more self-reliant and assertive.  They can help to push their daughters in healthy ways to succeed. Studies have shown that girls who had a good relationship with their fathers were more likely to graduate from college.  Many female athletes also attribute their success to their father's encouragement to work hard and pursue their goals Also if a girl has a healthy close relationship with her father she is more likely to have much more healthy and fulfilling relationships with men that she dates. She is also less likely to turn to other men for emotional support in dysfunctional needy ways. One study also said that girls ar...

We have so many love songs, they talk about passion, sex, devotion, attraction, all the hot and spicy stuff.  I really want to hear a song about communication in relationships.  We have wounded love songs, telling us that it’s just a major thing that ruined a relationship.  Most of it is cheating or just being a “Jerk”.  But there are many more things than just those broad cliche problems that hurt and erode a relationship.  Our world is so focused on physical attraction with a large helping of fiery passion.  But those are not a secure foundation to base your relationship on, and certainly aren’t grounds for marriage.   Years ago I came to the realization that all feelings are valid.  The reason for someone feeling something may not be real, but the fact that they are feeling them makes it real for that person.  There's a quote that says, “Fish swim, people feel”.  I think we need to acknowledge and respect the feelings people ha...

Bad things happen, they have and they will continue to.  But I don’t think that statement is depressing or negative.  And saying that bad things don’t happen and life will be perfect and go how you want it to, is unrealistic and isn’t positive or helpful.  What is positive, happy, and a reason to hope is the statement that bad things have and will continue to happen, but you can still have joy and from those trials, you will be made stronger and ultimately happier in the end.  I once heard from a motivational speaker that, “Nothing bad or good happens”.   Meaning that no event is inherently bad or good, it’s all up to us and how we perceive it.  We know because of the Gospel that everything that happens will be, “For our good”.  So when something really crummy happens, stop yourself from labeling it as “bad”.  Try to have a positive attitude and see what the experience eventually leads to.  Of course, when traumatic things happen I don’...

No one else can answer that for you. But, I can tell how I answered it for myself First off, why is divorce frowned upon in the church? Many of the prophets have touched on this topic.  They lament the frequency that it’s occurring these days and the many lives it’s hurt. They are saddened by the lack of understanding of the sanctity of marriage and the upheaval divorce causes in families.  And they understand that the biggest impact is felt by the children caught in the divorce. Elder David B. Haight says, “Perhaps most tragic of all is that more than 60 percent of all divorces involve children under eighteen years of age. Children of divorce all too often have a higher delinquency rate and less self-confidence, and tend to be more promiscuous and themselves more likely to have unhappy marriages.” Basically, family and marriage are special, they’re meant for eternity and often times divorce works directly against that.  Elder Oaks makes a valid point, “I ...