Pride Cake
Pride. We all know what this word means and we all know people who we would use this word to describe. There are those people who we think are the pride posterchild with their haughtiness, arrogance, selfishness, and a high score on the jerk-ometer. We have a certain vision of pride and we almost make it seem like you’re either a prideful person or you’re not. Those who have pride are stuck up jerks that just look down their nose at you. But pride has many different facets and manifests differently in people, and we all have it one way or another. That’s why Ezra Benson, a former president of the Chruch of Jesus Christ of Later-days Saints, called it the “Universal sin”. I’m going to be drawing on quotes from an address he gave to the church in 1989.
“Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves. Most of us consider pride to be a sin of those on the top, such as the rich and the learned, looking down at the rest of us. There is, however, a far more common ailment among us—and that is pride from the bottom looking up. It is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous. A proud person hates the fact that someone is above him. He thinks this lowers his position. Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. “How everything affects me” is the center of all that matters—self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking.”
I don’t know about you but when I read this I felt the weight of those words. I never thought of myself as a prideful person, but I guess I actually very much am! When I was younger and very much more insecure, I totally had this form of pride in spades! I was always “looking up” at what I had deemed the cool or popular kids and then resented them for it. I was very jealous of girls I thought were pretty and tried to find fault in them to make myself feel better. I never put people down with my words or actions, but I had a lot of resentment towards people who seemed “better” than me and often coveted what they had, whether friends, popularity, beauty, talent, etc. Really at the heart of pride is insecurities. The mean and those who put people down are just as insecure as the people like me who thought everyone else was better than me. We just manifest our insecurities in different forms of pride.
No matter how good of people they are, both spouses are going to have a run-in with either one’s pride that will cause problems. So in what ways does pride enter a relationship?
“Another face of pride is contention. Arguments, fights, unrighteous dominion, generation gaps, divorces, spouse abuse, riots, and disturbances all fall into this category of pride. Contention in our families drives the Spirit of the Lord away. It also drives many of our family members away. Contention ranges from a hostile spoken word to worldwide conflicts. The scriptures tell us that “only by pride cometh contention.”
It’s totally normal for spouses to fight sometimes and to have disagreements and arguments, but if pride is abundant then there will be a very unhealthy amount of them. If pride is involved, arguments are unresolved, fights often break out, and anger and resentment build.
“The scriptures testify that the proud are easily offended and hold grudges. They withhold forgiveness to keep another in their debt and to justify their injured feelings.”
Resentment is a poison in a marriage. Those who have pride have a mental tally in their heads of what their spouse has done wrong and will hold it against them whenever the other spouse is trying to discuss an issue. It’s a sort of a, “You can’t talk to me about my problems because you aren’t perfect” kind of thinking which makes no sense because if that was the case, we wouldn’t be allowed to bring up issues or discuss problems until after we are resurrected. That concept is a tactic to make it so the other spouse feels guilty about bringing up an issue in the relationship caused by something the other spouse is doing. Severe pride in a marriage means you feel like you have to tiptoe around your easily wounded spouse’s feelings all the time in fear of setting them off. That’s not ok in marriage and something drastic needs to change if that’s the case. Both spouses have to be humble enough to listen to their partner’s concerns or complaints and be willing to change bad habits and behaviors.
“The proud do not receive counsel or correction easily. Defensiveness is used by them to justify and rationalize their frailties and failures.”
The prideful resist change. They are already insecure so when you try to correct and help them, they will mentally put their hands over their heads and scream, “La la la I can’t hear you!” They are too afraid to acknowledge their weaknesses because they spend most of their life trying to hide them from others and themselves. Often times they will reflect and point out your weaknesses to get the topic off of them. “Pride is a damning sin in the true sense of that word. It limits or stops progression. The proud are not easily taught. They won’t change their minds to accept truths, because to do so implies they have been wrong.” We all at times are unwilling to accept that we are wrong, and it takes a lot of effort to be humble enough to receive correction. But the proud will do anything, blaming, defensiveness, shaming, guilt-tripping, stonewalling, anything to shrink away from accepting their faults and changing.
“The proud depend upon the world to tell them whether they have value or not. Their self-esteem is determined by where they are judged to be on the ladders of worldly success. They feel worthwhile as individuals if the numbers beneath them in achievement, talent, beauty, or intellect are large enough. Pride is ugly. It says, “If you succeed, I am a failure.”
In the worst cases, this way of thinking, “If you succeed, I am a failure”, is directed at their spouse. They put them down and are critical of their spouse so they can feel better about themselves. As a married couple, we should be constantly supporting each other, lifting the other higher than ourselves. I love the quote from Sister Hinckley, She said to her husband, “You have always given me the wings to fly”. When pride is out of the picture, we can give our partners wings to fly. We should be our spouse’s biggest fan, cheering for them and helping them achieve their dreams.
“Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves. Most of us consider pride to be a sin of those on the top, such as the rich and the learned, looking down at the rest of us. There is, however, a far more common ailment among us—and that is pride from the bottom looking up. It is manifest in so many ways, such as faultfinding, gossiping, backbiting, murmuring, living beyond our means, envying, coveting, withholding gratitude and praise that might lift another, and being unforgiving and jealous. A proud person hates the fact that someone is above him. He thinks this lowers his position. Selfishness is one of the more common faces of pride. “How everything affects me” is the center of all that matters—self-conceit, self-pity, worldly self-fulfillment, self-gratification, and self-seeking.”
I don’t know about you but when I read this I felt the weight of those words. I never thought of myself as a prideful person, but I guess I actually very much am! When I was younger and very much more insecure, I totally had this form of pride in spades! I was always “looking up” at what I had deemed the cool or popular kids and then resented them for it. I was very jealous of girls I thought were pretty and tried to find fault in them to make myself feel better. I never put people down with my words or actions, but I had a lot of resentment towards people who seemed “better” than me and often coveted what they had, whether friends, popularity, beauty, talent, etc. Really at the heart of pride is insecurities. The mean and those who put people down are just as insecure as the people like me who thought everyone else was better than me. We just manifest our insecurities in different forms of pride.
No matter how good of people they are, both spouses are going to have a run-in with either one’s pride that will cause problems. So in what ways does pride enter a relationship?
“Another face of pride is contention. Arguments, fights, unrighteous dominion, generation gaps, divorces, spouse abuse, riots, and disturbances all fall into this category of pride. Contention in our families drives the Spirit of the Lord away. It also drives many of our family members away. Contention ranges from a hostile spoken word to worldwide conflicts. The scriptures tell us that “only by pride cometh contention.”
It’s totally normal for spouses to fight sometimes and to have disagreements and arguments, but if pride is abundant then there will be a very unhealthy amount of them. If pride is involved, arguments are unresolved, fights often break out, and anger and resentment build.
“The scriptures testify that the proud are easily offended and hold grudges. They withhold forgiveness to keep another in their debt and to justify their injured feelings.”
Resentment is a poison in a marriage. Those who have pride have a mental tally in their heads of what their spouse has done wrong and will hold it against them whenever the other spouse is trying to discuss an issue. It’s a sort of a, “You can’t talk to me about my problems because you aren’t perfect” kind of thinking which makes no sense because if that was the case, we wouldn’t be allowed to bring up issues or discuss problems until after we are resurrected. That concept is a tactic to make it so the other spouse feels guilty about bringing up an issue in the relationship caused by something the other spouse is doing. Severe pride in a marriage means you feel like you have to tiptoe around your easily wounded spouse’s feelings all the time in fear of setting them off. That’s not ok in marriage and something drastic needs to change if that’s the case. Both spouses have to be humble enough to listen to their partner’s concerns or complaints and be willing to change bad habits and behaviors.
“The proud do not receive counsel or correction easily. Defensiveness is used by them to justify and rationalize their frailties and failures.”
The prideful resist change. They are already insecure so when you try to correct and help them, they will mentally put their hands over their heads and scream, “La la la I can’t hear you!” They are too afraid to acknowledge their weaknesses because they spend most of their life trying to hide them from others and themselves. Often times they will reflect and point out your weaknesses to get the topic off of them. “Pride is a damning sin in the true sense of that word. It limits or stops progression. The proud are not easily taught. They won’t change their minds to accept truths, because to do so implies they have been wrong.” We all at times are unwilling to accept that we are wrong, and it takes a lot of effort to be humble enough to receive correction. But the proud will do anything, blaming, defensiveness, shaming, guilt-tripping, stonewalling, anything to shrink away from accepting their faults and changing.
“The proud depend upon the world to tell them whether they have value or not. Their self-esteem is determined by where they are judged to be on the ladders of worldly success. They feel worthwhile as individuals if the numbers beneath them in achievement, talent, beauty, or intellect are large enough. Pride is ugly. It says, “If you succeed, I am a failure.”
In the worst cases, this way of thinking, “If you succeed, I am a failure”, is directed at their spouse. They put them down and are critical of their spouse so they can feel better about themselves. As a married couple, we should be constantly supporting each other, lifting the other higher than ourselves. I love the quote from Sister Hinckley, She said to her husband, “You have always given me the wings to fly”. When pride is out of the picture, we can give our partners wings to fly. We should be our spouse’s biggest fan, cheering for them and helping them achieve their dreams.
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