Conflict





So I’ve been reading this book “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” and pretty much the entire thing, in essence, is about conflict and how to resolve it.  It’s either because this is a self-help book, those who are reading it have troubles in their marriage so conflict is the theme to help those people in their rocky marriage, or marriage is made up of conflict.  I suppose the truth could be a bit of both but I’m thinking it’s really because marriage has a butt-ton of conflict. Now I suppose that sounds like I depressing view of marriage, but is it really? What is the purpose of this life? “To be tested”, drones every Sunday school student.  We all know that answer but do we really take it to heart? If the most rewarding things are the biggest challenges because we are on this earth to be tested, then I’d say marriage is up there on one of the biggest rewarding/challenging things we’ve got on the docket in this life. Conflict is inevitable and I think will be ever-present in marriage.  Does that still sound depressing? Ok well then let’s redefine the word conflict. Conflict simply means a clash of interests. Conflict sounds scary and generally we all try to avoid it but should we? I think conflict, or a clash in opinions has the potential of making something new. Two different people coming together to become someone new. Conflict can involve anger, frustration, even hate and hurt.  But there are methods of dealing with conflict in a way where those aren’t present. Gottman in his book talks about the fact that a happy marriage isn’t the absence of conflict, but the ability to “live with it and approach it with good humor." 
We all aren’t going to be able to handle conflict perfectly every time, but there are so many sources out there like Gottman’s book that have a lot of information and ideas to help us.
 Here’s one little nugget:
“The basis for coping effectively with either kind of problem is the same: communicating basic acceptance of your partner's personality Human nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel that that person understands you. So the bottom-line rule is that, before you ask your partner to change the way he or she drives, eats, or makes love, you must make your partner feel that you are understanding. If either (or both) of you feels judged, misunderstood, or rejected by the other, you will not be able to manage the problems in your marriage. This holds for big problems and small ones.”
One major thing I’ve learned about relationships is that feelings are valid.   Maybe the reason for feeling them isn’t, but what they are feeling is their reality no matter how ridiculous it seems. I think when we understand this we are able to have more compassion and patience with our spouse when we have a disagreement. As we strive to understand their side and show them that we hold their opinion as valid, I think they will be much more willing to do the same and conflicts can be resolved or issues can be tolerated. 
Here’s one more half nugget:
“Another important lesson I have learned is that in all arguments, both solvable and perpetual, no one is ever right. There is no absolute reality in marital conflict, only two subjective realities.” 

Ok so I half agree with this statement, I think at a base level in the difference of opinion this is true, but as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, I believe there is another layer on top of that.
Because God is real, there is absolute truth and there is good and bad.  Truth is not our own, only our perceptions are. There are marital issues that will have a right and wrong answer and a spouse in the right or in the wrong. This doesn’t mean the focus should be, “I’m right” or “you’re wrong”, but what is right and what is wrong morally and eternally. This of course is dealing with more serious marital issues and the only thing that can really solve those are humility and the spirit.
But thankfully, not only do we know that conflict isn’t a death sentence to a marriage, but that if we are both willing, ultimately we can resolve conflicts and be happy in our differences together.  It’s a constant process of compromise, but a process that makes us better people and better spouses. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Pride Cake

Pride. We all know what this word means and we all know people who we would use this word to describe. There are those people who we think are the pride posterchild with their haughtiness, arrogance, selfishness, and a high score on the jerk-ometer. We have a certain vision of pride and we almost make it seem like you’re either a prideful person or you’re not. Those who have pride are stuck up jerks that just look down their nose at you. But pride has many different facets and manifests differently in people, and we all have it one way or another. That’s why Ezra Benson, a former president of the Chruch of Jesus Christ of Later-days Saints, called it the “Universal sin”. I’m going to be drawing on quotes from an address he gave to the church in 1989. “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves. Most of us consider pride to be a sin of those on the top, such as the rich and the learned, looking down at the rest of us. There is, however, ...
Read more

Fathers and Daughters

Fathers and the roles they play are so important! Usually, when we think of father roles we think of the direct good and bad effects a father has on his son. And there are so many connections that a father and son have.  But I wanted to focus a little more on the effect fathers have specifically on their daughters ​Fathers help their daughters to be more self-reliant and assertive.  They can help to push their daughters in healthy ways to succeed. Studies have shown that girls who had a good relationship with their fathers were more likely to graduate from college.  Many female athletes also attribute their success to their father's encouragement to work hard and pursue their goals Also if a girl has a healthy close relationship with her father she is more likely to have much more healthy and fulfilling relationships with men that she dates. She is also less likely to turn to other men for emotional support in dysfunctional needy ways. One study also said that girls ar...
Read more

Big Bad Wolf

Image
Elder Bruce C Hafen wrote an article entitled “Covenant Marriage”.  In his article, he spoke of three “wolves” that test a marriage, Natural Adversity, our own imperfections, and excessive individualism.  I find the last wolf really interesting because I feel like individuality is a really fine balance.  On one end you have those who believe marriage is a ball and chain and once they tie the knot they’re individual identity gets sucked into the glob of marriage.  On the other, you have those who have little concept of self-identity and wish to jump headlong into marriage hoping their “better half” will give them identity.  Neither scenario is good and it’s hard to find the right balance. When I was younger and much more insecure, I fell into the latter group.  I craved relationships because I didn’t feel like enough on my own and I needed someone else to give me worth.  That is just a bad co-dependent relationship ready to happen.  Instead of comp...
Read more