Automatic Toilets

Hello everyone, my name is Kira Jensen and I admit to having a crippling fear of…..toilets. More specifically, automatic toilets.
Just toilets might be a stretch, but most people should at least identify with my caution towards automatic ones. They’re unpredictable! One moment you are sitting peacefully doing your business, the next a whirling typhoon complete with spray is unleashed beneath your nether regions. If you wanted that kind of experience you would have chosen a bidet. The original idea behind automatic toilets was for them to be hands-free to help with sanitation and easier use. No one wants to touch that nasty little lever that was also touched by everyone else, ever, with their nasty unwashed hands after doing what we all do in those stalls. But, like spending thousands of dollars to develop a pen that writes in space instead of just using a pencil, we just had to create a demon toilet with a mind of its own instead of just using our foot to flush. But then.. But then! They don't even fulfill their purpose! Half the time you are simply reaching for more toilet paper, and boom, you are now startled out of your wits with a rather wet rump. With the more zealous ones, even slumping a little can set it off. So basically one has to sit rigidly straight, hardly moving, so as not to awaken the Kraken that will spew forth the nastiest collection of water upon your unsuspecting backside. After having one of these experiences where my bad posture earned me a loud spitting reprimand, I was forced to stand at attention (or sit at attention) to not risk further punishment… Then the thought occurred to me.  Maybe the toilet was simply a device that, out of fear, forces us to have good posture…..And who has iconically good posture?...... Princesses! Instead of archaic methods like balancing books on your head or Hermes scarves tying you to a chair, toilets are the modern training tool for princessly good posture! It joins the ranks of other woman’s torture devices such as corsets, high heels, and fake eyelashes to name a few. For men, I have no explanation.  Perhaps for you, the toilets are haunted by the lingering ideals of your mothers who would tell you to stop slouching and get a job. All in all, let us perhaps see automatic toilets for what they truly are, tools not to be hated, but appreciated for the great lengths they go to train us to be the royalty we are destined to be, sitting regally with confidence upon our automatic throne.

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