Wings to Fly






Once again Gottman in his book gives us another insightful nugget when he talks about being able to be united with your spouse,
"Why do some couples cope so gracefully with these sorts of issues while others get bogged down? The difference is that the happy couple understands that helping each other realize their dreams is one of the goals of marriage.  In happy marriages partners incorporate each other's goals into their concept of what their marriage is about. These goals can be as concrete as wanting to live in a certain kind of house or to get a certain academic degree. But they can also be intangible, such as wanting to feel safe or wanting to view life as a grand adventure. "
I loved this idea!  Reading this now is making me really question what my dreams are, which ones are doable or healthy, and who do I need to marry to achieve them? I can’t marry the right person if I don’t even know what my dreams are!   I want someone who has similar goals in life and a willingness to work hard to achieve them. I understand that I can’t marry the perfect person but I can be choosy to find someone who best fits my goals. I know I have ranted time and time again about really getting to know someone before you get married, but I feel like everything I read comes back to that.  I talk about it so much because I’m always having to remind myself of what I preach. I have had a very bad history of jumping into relationships. I’m still convinced we have some bad dating habits that many people are suffering from later in marriage, but every rant is a rant to myself. I don’t want to mess up again, I’m not fixing to be divorced twice. 
You may have similar senses of humor, the same taste in movies, and get along swimmingly, but if you don’t have similar goals, marriage will be tough.  Me and my ex-husband Dexter had all the surface things in common, but deep down our goals and dreams were completely off. Granted when I did talk about my expectations and goals in marriage, he was untruthful and made me believe that he had the same values as me, but had I been more emotionally healthy, discriminatory, observative, older, take your pick, I probably would have caught on before the wedding….but the point is I didn’t take the time to get to know the people I dated and just started doing all of the dating things without the common foundation and so those relationships, when all the twitterpation fell away, were as crumbly as a scone, and one with raisins in it.
“In happy marriages partners incorporate each other's goals into their concept of what their marriage is about.” Dang, I have no idea what this is like but it sounds amazing! Happy marriages are when you and your spouse are on the same page, interested in each other’s dreams, and able to compromise when they are different from yours.  That sounds like a safe place where both of you can bloom and grow! It sounds freeing and comforting and I would very much like that. I imagine it doesn’t come right at first, but as you’re both willing to work with each other, it’s attainable.
So if you’re married, do what you need to to get there and if your single, take time to know your dreams and goals and find someone who will “give you the wings to fly”.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Pride Cake

Pride. We all know what this word means and we all know people who we would use this word to describe. There are those people who we think are the pride posterchild with their haughtiness, arrogance, selfishness, and a high score on the jerk-ometer. We have a certain vision of pride and we almost make it seem like you’re either a prideful person or you’re not. Those who have pride are stuck up jerks that just look down their nose at you. But pride has many different facets and manifests differently in people, and we all have it one way or another. That’s why Ezra Benson, a former president of the Chruch of Jesus Christ of Later-days Saints, called it the “Universal sin”. I’m going to be drawing on quotes from an address he gave to the church in 1989. “Pride is a sin that can readily be seen in others but is rarely admitted in ourselves. Most of us consider pride to be a sin of those on the top, such as the rich and the learned, looking down at the rest of us. There is, however, ...
Read more

Fathers and Daughters

Fathers and the roles they play are so important! Usually, when we think of father roles we think of the direct good and bad effects a father has on his son. And there are so many connections that a father and son have.  But I wanted to focus a little more on the effect fathers have specifically on their daughters ​Fathers help their daughters to be more self-reliant and assertive.  They can help to push their daughters in healthy ways to succeed. Studies have shown that girls who had a good relationship with their fathers were more likely to graduate from college.  Many female athletes also attribute their success to their father's encouragement to work hard and pursue their goals Also if a girl has a healthy close relationship with her father she is more likely to have much more healthy and fulfilling relationships with men that she dates. She is also less likely to turn to other men for emotional support in dysfunctional needy ways. One study also said that girls ar...
Read more

Big Bad Wolf

Image
Elder Bruce C Hafen wrote an article entitled “Covenant Marriage”.  In his article, he spoke of three “wolves” that test a marriage, Natural Adversity, our own imperfections, and excessive individualism.  I find the last wolf really interesting because I feel like individuality is a really fine balance.  On one end you have those who believe marriage is a ball and chain and once they tie the knot they’re individual identity gets sucked into the glob of marriage.  On the other, you have those who have little concept of self-identity and wish to jump headlong into marriage hoping their “better half” will give them identity.  Neither scenario is good and it’s hard to find the right balance. When I was younger and much more insecure, I fell into the latter group.  I craved relationships because I didn’t feel like enough on my own and I needed someone else to give me worth.  That is just a bad co-dependent relationship ready to happen.  Instead of comp...
Read more