The Theory of Relatives





Something I found really interesting was a line I read in a book titled “Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families”.  
“Marriage, to be successful, requires married daughters to share more with their husbands than with their mothers.” 
I could totally find myself falling into that one!  My mom is my greatest confidant and I take her thoughts and suggestions very seriously. I always go to her for advice and I trust it much more than a 20-year-old something man.  In the early stages especially I would rely a lot on my mom’s counsel because I know that me and my new husband are young and ignorant. But I also see that relying too heavily on your parents in the early parts of marriage can be harmful because it interrupts the growth of your married identity with your spouse.  This kind of problem is called triangulation,

 “Triangulation is created when communication either builds a stronger relationship with the parent than with the spouse, or excludes the spouse. Parents should encourage children to discuss matters with their spouses. For example, a mother who wants to know all the details of her daughter's marriage and tries to "fix" any problems would be wise to focus her efforts elsewhere. One of the authors' children, when newly married, came to him to complain about something the spouse had done. He kindly encouraged his child to talk to the spouse and suggested that such triangulating fails to solve the problem and weakens the marriage.”

 I think a balance can be found in reaching out to your parents for guidance in the unfamiliar and new situation of your life, and learning to rely on your spouse and be united on decision making. I think also this statement is referring to just general sharing of your thoughts, feelings, and daily occurrences to your spouse more than to your parent.  You’ve already been doing that with your parent and now it’s time to create a bond with your spouse.
 I was also really intrigued by the phrase, “ Couple identity”.  It has loads of definitions but I think it denotes the concept of becoming one with your spouse.  You are two different people who came together to make something that is a mix of both of you and something new.  I think it’s really important to do all you can in the early stages to foster and develop a good couple’s identity.  But that takes an enormous amount of work. I think sometimes couples who love each other expect bliss as they simply enjoy each other’s company in married life, but being happy is not static, it’s dynamic.  It means conflicts, adaptation, and change. You change together to make a more cohesive couple identity.

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