Fires and Carrots

Fathers and the roles they play are so important! Usually, when we think of father roles we think of the direct good and bad effects a father has on his son. And there are so many connections that a father and son have.  But I wanted to focus a little more on the effect fathers have specifically on their daughters

​Fathers help their daughters to be more self-reliant and assertive.  They can help to push their daughters in healthy ways to succeed. Studies have shown that girls who had a good relationship with their fathers were more likely to graduate from college.  Many female athletes also attribute their success to their father's encouragement to work hard and pursue their goals
Also if a girl has a healthy close relationship with her father she is more likely to have much more healthy and fulfilling relationships with men that she dates. She is also less likely to turn to other men for emotional support in dysfunctional needy ways. One study also said that girls are more likely to be much wiser in their intimate relationships and are less likely to be “talked into" sex or turn quickly to a physical relationship for support
Girls also have much better mental and emotional health from a good relationship with her father.  Many girls can develop eating disorders, depressions, and anxiety from a bad relationship with their dad. An article form Institute for Family Studies says, 
"An emerging body of research suggests one more way that dads may shape their daughters’ mental health and relationships in adulthood: scholars have found an intriguing link between the way daughters deal with stress as adults and the kind of relationships they had with their dads during childhood. For example, undergraduate women who did not have good relationships with their fathers had lower than normal cortisol levels. And people with low cortisol levels tend to be overly sensitive and overly reactive when confronted with stress. Indeed, the low cortisol daughters were more likely than the higher cortisol daughters (who had the better relationships with their dads) to describe their relationships with men in stressful terms of rejection, unpredictability or coercion." 
On that note studies have also shown that well-fathered girls are less likely to have body image issues and don’t fall into a pattern of needing male attention and interest to make them feel valued. 
I think being able to communicate with your father as a daughter helps so much in her ability to learn communication skills with her future partner too.

So from what I’ve gathered, Fathers overall really set the stage for what kind of relationships girls will have with their spouses.  A father and how he treats his wife sets an example or president for what a relationship should look like to his daughter.  They say that you marry your father, and that is so much more true than I realized! 
In my own experience, I recognized how much my father played a role in the type of relationships I sought after and how I viewed myself.  So most of my dating(and marriage) life, I haven't been with the greatest guys. It was always a relatively dysfunctional relationship. I dated a lot of guys one after another and I had a strong desire to be approved and liked by them.  Not until after my divorce did I realize that my relationship patterns and feelings of needing men's presence, comfort, and approval was because I was always kinda distant from my dad.  He is very kind and supports us but I feel like I never felt super close to him or that he was, through talks and communicating, very involved.  So after going through some counseling I realized that my “need” for men was coming from lacking something from my dad.  I think if we had been closer I would have been more independent and not so codependent.  I was looking for love and approval from other guys because I was kinda missing it from my dad. 

Knowing this and more about myself I know much better what kind of man I want and how I’m going to make sure my children have an involved father
The first thing is that I need a man that will parent my kids with me.  We will be on the same page and both play a role in correcting and helping and teaching our kids. In my parent's relationship, my mom always had to be the enforcer, dad didn’t like conflict and didn’t really discipline us.  So mom became the bad guy for actually parenting.  This is something I will and have discussed with people I've dated. And sure they may say that they’ll do it, but actions speak louder than words.  I intend to date in such a way that I can actually see how he treats kids and other situations to judge if he will be an actual co-parent with me.  Like we’ve discussed in class, talking about things when dating is very important but doing things, actually seeing them in different situations shows what kind of person they’ll be as a spouse.  That’s why it’s so important to do much more than “hanging out” people! 
Also in order to ensure positive father involvement in the lives of my children, I am and will continue to work on my concept of self.  I learned from my marriage that what you think about yourself affects everything in your life.  I was very insecure and needy and I had a very low opinion of myself.  When you feel like you’re trash you will find a man that will treat you so.  That’s exactly what happened to me.  My marriage was a wake-up call to the power my thoughts and self-image had in my life.  Since then and as I’ve worked on strengthening my relationship with my Heavenly Father, improved my self-image, stoped many mental negative talk about myself, and a plethora of other things to become a much more healthy functioning person, I've see how my relationships with guys and the kind of guys I attract now, are completely different! I no longer tolerate hurtful behavior from myself and others.  I have so much more self-respect and I’m starting to find myself with more good healthy people like the one I’m trying to become.  

So girls, if you want a good man, look at the example your father is, and judge if that’s what you want. If not, then make some changes!