The Do's and Don'ts of crisis

Bad things happen, they have and they will continue to.  But I don’t think that statement is depressing or negative.  And saying that bad things don’t happen and life will be perfect and go how you want it to, is unrealistic and isn’t positive or helpful.  What is positive, happy, and a reason to hope is the statement that bad things have and will continue to happen, but you can still have joy and from those trials, you will be made stronger and ultimately happier in the end.  I once heard from a motivational speaker that, “Nothing bad or good happens”.   Meaning that no event is inherently bad or good, it’s all up to us and how we perceive it.  We know because of the Gospel that everything that happens will be, “For our good”.  So when something really crummy happens, stop yourself from labeling it as “bad”.  Try to have a positive attitude and see what the experience eventually leads to.  Of course, when traumatic things happen I don’t expect anyone to be unfazed or perpetually “happy”.  We will go through worry, shock, pain, sadness, and a host of other emotions God has given to us. But, we have a choice of how we see things, how we handle them, and the decisions and actions we take.  Striving to see the positive just makes the overall experience easier.  You can’t do anything to change your circumstances, so you might as well control the one thing you can and choose to have a good attitude about it.  Easier said than done right?  Well in our class we discussed some do’s and don’ts with handling crises 



Bad ways of coping
Denial. The first step is to acknowledge to yourself and others that there is a problem. You can’t fix what you don’t know is an issue.
Avoidance: You may have acknowledged the problem but now you have to do something about it. Avoiding can lead to you thinking the issue is fixed, when it’s not
Scapegoating: Pointing fingers just victimizes further someone who is already being victimized by the crisis:  People take the blame off of themselves so they don’t have to feel any deserving or undeserving guilt. 
Pretty much if you do any of these things you are running away. And that never really fixes anything.

Good ways of coping
Take ownership and responsibility of your role in the crisis and your own actions, feelings and reactions.
See your self worth.
Balance your self concern and concern for others
Re framing your perception of the situation. You can’t change the circumstances but can change your point of view/ attitude about what's going on.

The goal of effective coping is more than just getting by, it's letting the crisis mature you and strengthen your relationships
So, I’ve listed off just some basics.  Through learning more about these I realized that all the do’s and don’t fit PERFECTLY with the biggest crisis of my life: My marriage. 
Long story short, I ended up marrying an abusive man.  The crisis for both of us was the abuse.  I hope to not sound vindictive or accusing, I’m just going to try and state things as they were.  So Dexter dealt with the abuse crisis with all of those Don’ts I listed. I was right along with Dexter on those Don’ts at first, but what set us apart was the fact that eventually, I was able to go through all of the Do’s, and Dexter never did. 
At first, I had no idea I was being abused.  Something was just off, something was just different.  I started feeling more distant from him and started feeling very insecure and depressed.  I really can’t explain more than that, it was all very subtle.  But then I was able to recognize what was happening for what it was.  As the emotional and mental abuse continued, I was in so much pain I would deny that there was even a problem with my marriage. I convinced myself everything was ok.  I couldn't emotionally handle it if it wasn't.  I also avoided situations where I would anger Dexter and he would punish me by withdrawing love, criticizing, or blaming.   When I was doing what he wanted everything was fine, and in the “fine” moments I convinced myself that everything really was fine, if I just didn’t give him a reason to hurt me.  Then, in a strange way, I was scapegoating him. I blamed myself for everything.  It was always my fault, I was the reason he was mad, I was crazy, I was the problem, and so on.  I attributed his behavior to anything else except to him. I was miserable. I can’t express how I felt with all of those things.  But then, little by little and with the help of everyone who loves me, I started to figure out the Dos.  I started to be able to differentiate between my problems and his, things that were legitimately my weakness and where I could improve. What problems I should take ownership for in our relationship. Once I did that I could work on the things that I could actually change, and separate myself from Dexter’s problems that he would blame on me. Then I started to see my self-worth.  At this point, what little I had before the marriage was completely shattered.  Dexter was the living embodiment and voice of all of my insecurities and judging things I would say to myself.  I started to draw from those who love me clear perspectives of myself, I felt more strength to overcome weaknesses.  Getting some of my concept of self-worth back helped me to ultimately realize that I didn’t deserve this kind of treatment.  I learned how to balance my self-concern and concern for others.  I had become extremely codependent, but I learned to put my concern for others into a healthy proportion, ones that caused me to protect myself and not enable bad behavior in others.  Lastly and ultimately, I was able to reframe how I saw my situation, my husband, my family, my God, and myself.  Through practicing the Do’s I eventually was able to get divorced.

I’m so grateful for that experience, it was the most difficult and painful thing I’ve ever been through, but I learned SO much.  I am stronger because of what I went through. I'm glad that I had to go through that, and I would never give it up.  I know that we can turn anything hard into something incredibly rewarding.  I know I’m not alone in what I experienced, and if anyone who is still in a situation like this happens to be reading this blog, I just want you to know that there is hope. 

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