Communication Confusion




We have so many love songs, they talk about passion, sex, devotion, attraction, all the hot and spicy stuff.  I really want to hear a song about communication in relationships.  We have wounded love songs, telling us that it’s just a major thing that ruined a relationship.  Most of it is cheating or just being a “Jerk”.  But there are many more things than just those broad cliche problems that hurt and erode a relationship.  Our world is so focused on physical attraction with a large helping of fiery passion.  But those are not a secure foundation to base your relationship on, and certainly aren’t grounds for marriage.  
Years ago I came to the realization that all feelings are valid.  The reason for someone feeling something may not be real, but the fact that they are feeling them makes it real for that person.  There's a quote that says, “Fish swim, people feel”.  I think we need to acknowledge and respect the feelings people have. Doing so I think makes communication, especially at the most difficult times, possible and rewarding.  Let's be honest people, as a whole I don’t think many of us are good at this whole communication thing.  In order to have successful communication, you gotta recognize and respect each other's emotions and the role they play in misunderstandings. 

Here’s something a learned called, “The 5 secrets of effective communication” but I’ll just lump them into 3:
      1. Disarming technique
When we are offended, confronted, accused, have a problem etc etc etc, we respond first with emotions!  Just throwing emotion at each other isn’t going to do much good so you’ve got to take charge of the situation and try to remain calm.  The first step is to find the kernel of truth in what they are saying.  This doesn’t mean you accept that they are right, but it’s an attempt to sympathize with them.  If you do this they will be super shocked and a little deflated in their anger.  
       2. Thought empathy
Repeat what they are really expressing to you.  Try to list out some emotions they are feeling. You can gently invite them to share their thoughts and feelings.  Again, being compassionate does NOT mean letting people mistreat and abuse you.  Sometimes a person will be toxic no matter what you do and you need to excuse yourself from the situation and build some boundaries.  But for sure I can say that if you do even a little bit of this, even if it doesn’t seem to affect them, YOU will feel better.  You’ll have your head in the right place and you won’t have any regrets.
       3.   Assertiveness 
So you’ve acknowledged them, now it’s your turn to express your side.  You can say something like this, “ When you said/did(address the circumstance/event)I feel/felt(share your emotion) because (your reasons emotion, and thoughts on the issue).  I would like if we could……”  After expressing your side, authentically just communicate one thing you admire about them, find the good in them and respectfully express it. 

It takes so much courage to do even part of this process and it will for sure take practice.  I think we could all practice communication more, and maybe make some love songs about it!

This process is another way to avoid the blame game.  You as a couple have to commit to no blaming to get anywhere in the communication department. If you're dating someone right now make sure that you have a healthy communication method already.  Make sure you've been in situations that cause you to figure out how to resolve conflicts.  

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