The Random Musings of a Marriage and Family Major Student

Once again Gottman in his book gives us another insightful nugget when he talks about being able to be united with your spouse, "Why do some couples cope so gracefully with these sorts of issues while others get bogged down? The difference is that the happy couple understands that helping each other realize their dreams is one of the goals of marriage.  In happy marriages partners incorporate each other's goals into their concept of what their marriage is about. These goals can be as concrete as wanting to live in a certain kind of house or to get a certain academic degree. But they can also be intangible, such as wanting to feel safe or wanting to view life as a grand adventure. " I loved this idea!  Reading this now is making me really question what my dreams are, which ones are doable or healthy, and who do I need to marry to achieve them? I can’t marry the right person if I don’t even know what my dreams are!   I want someone who has similar goals in life and a w...

Something I found really interesting was a line I read in a book titled “Ties with In-Laws and Extended Families”.   “Marriage, to be successful, requires married daughters to share more with their husbands than with their mothers.”  I could totally find myself falling into that one!  My mom is my greatest confidant and I take her thoughts and suggestions very seriously. I always go to her for advice and I trust it much more than a 20-year-old something man.  In the early stages especially I would rely a lot on my mom’s counsel because I know that me and my new husband are young and ignorant. But I also see that relying too heavily on your parents in the early parts of marriage can be harmful because it interrupts the growth of your married identity with your spouse.  This kind of problem is called triangulation,  “ Triangulation is created when communication either builds a stronger relationship with the parent than with the spouse, or excludes ...

I’ve had a long history of wearing the pants in my relationships because I’ve dated men who were complacent in taking a part in the relationship and I was far too focused on what I wanted and what I thought was best.  I used to get mad at the people I dated and wondered why they never took the initiative, left all decisions up to me, and seemed to not really have any opinions on anything. But I had to realize that I was partly to blame.  I am a very scheduled and busy person and so I had my plans and an idea of what I wanted to do and I would just drag them along in it. Also, I did have a habit of ending up with more laid back guys that didn’t mind leaving all the decision making up to me, but I also didn’t help much.  I wanted so bad to date someone who was just as scheduled and motivated as me and we could take the reins together, but I realized that I had to become more aware of the people around me as I plowed through my planned day, and let go of control a little ...